Lights, Tutus, Action! Running From Yesterday: The Musical—A Dance Production Inspired by My Book
"If you’re blue and you don't know where to go to, come with me to the Running from Yesterday: The Musical and dream night of my young life!"
— Little Margarette
"Ok, Margarette, don't panic. Everything's gonna be fine. We're starting the show 10 minutes late. Everyone is relaxed and hanging out in the audience, but everything will work out."
Natalie, who is in the show, reassures as she holds my arms; her blue-green eyes are so bright that I couldn't imagine her telling me anything to panic about.
"Don't panic about what? What's going on?"
I ask, scanning the backstage area. The chatter from the audience is music to my ears.
I'm not even fully in the moment. ‘Wow, there is an audience’, I let myself pleasantly acknowledge.
As I look over Natalie's shoulder, I see Paula, the founder and Artistic Director of Tampa City Ballet, in the green room practicing her opening speech.
I turn back to Natalie, wondering, "What will go wrong now? I should have known this wouldn't work out!"
Natalie wiggles my arms and says, "Maria just got here, but she is not ready."
Maria Capitano, Guest Narrator
Maria shuffles by me, attempting to attach a headset receiver to her belt. Jeff, the stage manager, walks quickly ahead of her toward the sound booth upstairs.
Maria smiles, blows a kiss toward me, and catches up to Jeff.
"Whew", I think, holding Natalie's hands. "Not only am I not panicking, I am fine!" I knew Maria was stuck in traffic; we had texted each other about three thousand times within the last hour.
I’m a bit nervous.
Natalie, along with the other dancers, is dressed in black leotards, blush-colored tutus, and pink tights. I had to put on my white tutu and my tiara.
Remember, I am still not in the moment. I have that nagging pit at the bottom of my stomach, the feeling I get when I go down the first drop in a roller coaster, except I don't feel like I am strapped in.
I feel at any moment, I will go flying out of that roller coaster, car, and splat. That's the end of my excitement, the end of my dream, the end of my life.
I never truly felt like I deserved to be on stage again—to be the star of a show, let alone a show I created!
I should have some nerve. Yet, I planned the entire event, and as I look in the mirror and watch Meredith pin my tiara in front of my stiff hair sprayed bun, I feel like someone was going to snatch that glistening shiny crown right off of my head and toss me out on the street.
Meridith reads my face. She bends down and puts her cheek next to mine. We are both looking at ourselves in the mirror, surrounded by bright lights. "You got this, girl. We all worked hard for this, for the book—for you!"
Tears well up in my eyes. Something hits me. I am not in a daze because I feel like I don't deserve to be on stage. I am overwhelmed that so many people are a part of this—and it is for me—the me who felt so lonely for many years when I was young.
Kenny is the only guy left in the show. I started with four, and over nine weeks, I lost one at a time for various reasons. We all got to know each other and grew closer over the two months we rehearsed. I never thought I'd experience the feeling of stage family again.
He puts a long-stemmed rose in his mouth, and we take a selfie.
I miss and love the moments backstage before a show.
Margarette and Kenny, backstage
We are all performing Flowers for the first piece, and my fellow garden miracles are giving each other final touches, puffing up tutus, brushing fly-away hair back, applying lipstick, and slipping on ballet slippers.
“This is one of the truths of the universe. Whatever we decide we want to do is what we do.”
— Morgan Freeman
Chris and the boys pop into one of the small studios while we're warming up to hug me and wish us luck. The boys smile and giggle at me and my dancer fam.
The boys don't look like they've just been tackled in a football game, and Chris is all dressed up in nice pants and shoes.
As they leave the studio, I smile at the support he and the boys gave me. He never complained during my absence due to nightly rehearsals and countless emails and phone calls to put the logistics together. He jumped in and helped whenever I asked.
He and the boys even mocked my dance moves while I made them practice with me at home.
I practice more than dance moves in my everyday life. My emails have this underlying theme of how my brain works hard to find something wrong. You all may remember my cute little troll friend Pixa-diddle.
Behavioral science studies suggest that if a person hears one negative comment, it takes 17 positive comments to neutralize that one negative. However, there is no solid evidence that this affects everyone in the same way.
I, for one, took the childhood emotional and physical trauma I suffered from others and recreated it over and over again. I trained my brain, aka Pixa-diddle, to look for bad things to happen by making bad things happen.
There are painful consequences for this nasty cycle, including a heartbroken little girl and a lot of lost dreams.
We are all holding hands in the green room. Bailey and Aynsleigh are my choreographers. They give us all adoring looks, and we have one big hug. We all say what we have to say. There is no turning back.
"Let's do this. We have amazing people here and out there waiting to see what you've got!" Bailey says as he pumps his fists in the air.
"Remember," Aynsleigh says, "make your nervousness about excitement!"
"You don't have to tell me twice!" Natalie shouts. We all laugh because we know deep down we are all in, and we are all grateful.
I hear Aynsleigh introduce Paula, and Kenny and I hug each other as if we are waiting for the results of America's Got Talent finale.
I hear applause. It's loud. I take a quick glance from behind the curtain. So many people are here, and I am getting increasingly excited.
Aynsleigh Morehouse (left) and Bailey Lord (right), Guest Choreographers
Paula Nunez, Founder and Artistic Director, Tampa City Ballet
My heart is racing. The introduction film, From Ballet Shoes to Police Boots, is glaring over the theater sound system. I hear my voice. I remember being a homeless rookie in the New York City Police Academy.
I let myself appreciate that I've come a heck of a long way. I'm in a ballet costume, about to dance again!
“If you can dream it, you can do it.”
— Walt Disney
Trudy is on stage left. I see her standing next to Caryn. They are listening intently for the music to start.
I hear my voice in the film say, "I let it go, and I'm flying forward!"
The applause starts again.
While touching Kenny's cheek, I say, "Thank you. I truly love you all!"
From Ballet Shoes to Police Boots, Official Selection of the Big Apple Film Festival, 2017 | Original video by Kenzie DeLaine II and Jill Bauerle
What I also meant and kept to myself is that I finally did it, not produce a show, which was another realm of crazy to me. I finally trusted myself to follow through with something seemingly scary, something I didn't fully think would happen.
And this after 20 years with the NYPD!
Who would be in my show? Who would take the time to show up?
Who would even read my book?
My little Pixa-diddle was in full force from the first word in my manuscript to now.
Self-doubt or self-defeat isn't a disease that is contracted from someone or something. It starts with someone or something. I practiced those emotions so often that they became part of my fiber, my automatic thought process, and the heartbeat of my existence.
However, after decades of this, the pain of my disappearing little Margarette was way more crushing than the years of self-inflicted misery.
"Your time is limited; don't waste it living someone else's life."
— Steve Jobs
I couldn't blame anyone for not fully being me anymore. The worst kind of pain for me is regret. Living not only someone else's life but someone else's fears, misery, lack of motivation, or even someone else's level of comfort.
None of it is mine.
I want to look back and say,
“I did it my way.”
— Frank Sinatra
Margarette and her husband, Chris
The little Margarette is dancing on this stage—an absolute dream in reality. Pixa-diddle is even twirling around! A feeling like that has no verbal description!
I keep practicing the dance of life. When the music plays, even when the rhythm is off-beat, I trust the steps will fall right into place. Something magnificent always leads me on that dance floor.
Margarette, Q & A with the Author
Tchaikovsky's Flowers music starts to play—something about the music of the Nutcracker that makes everything still.
Chelsea and Natalie are on stage.
I enter stage right and walk down the center. Applause erupts as I and my flowers enter one by one behind me.
My eyes fill with tears. My heart explodes with joy as my grandma Sarah watches from the stage in Heaven.
We follow Flowers with Puttin’ on the Ritz and then the finale, FAME! If someone didn't know Irene Cara before the show, they all love her now!
Without all of you, this would never have happened. Yes, it started with me, and it will continue through you.
Running from Yesterday: The Musical, Waltz of the Flowers by Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky from The Nutcracker
Running from Yesterday: The Musical, Puttin’ on the Ritz by Irving Berlin
Running from Yesterday: The Musical, Fame by Irene Cara
“You want fame, well, fame costs, and right here is where you start paying—in sweat!”
— Debbie Allen
Thank you for helping me to be a better person and a solution in this world. Thank you for being you.
The show is about our family and friends in the audience, the theater staff, the choreographers, the narrator, the miracle dancers, and now lifelong friends who embraced me at Tampa City Ballet. Most of all, it is about my tiara, which reflects everything I became.
I am not running anymore. I am living with me and loving every part of it. I caught the moon in my hands!
I am bowing to honor you, but this show has no curtain call. We are going to live and shine forever!
I learned how to fly—high, and I ain't coming down any time soon.
Share this piece to anyone needing a center-stage light.
Get your copy of Running from Yesterday ↓
What Readers are Saying
Credits:
Photos by Soho Images Photography
Video by Christopher Morgan
Maria Capitano (Guest Narrator)
Bailey Lord and Aynsleigh Morehouse (Guest Choreographers)
Meridith Scott, Trudy Azarsepandan, Natalie Collins, Kenneth Marzo, Chelsea Fenton, Caryn Coning, Adriana Osorio, Kayla Causey, Jade Wink, Cathrine L Estrada (Dancers/Performers)
Margarette’s hair and makeup by Crystal Queen Salon
Print & merchandise design by Milorian Printing
Digital media design by PB Design Studio
